Patience is a Virtue
Possess it if you can
Always in a Woman
Never in a Man
I'm pretty sure that, much like the sayings that Pregnancy and Childbirth are beautiful, this verse was penned by a man.... who was gone all day long, and didn't see his children act out during the day, or when they were born was out in the waiting room, or out of the room completely with cigars with his buddies.
I've learned a lot about patience in this past 20 months that Liam has been alive. I've also learned that I barely have enough to survive the day lately. Patience is something that I've really had to work at, I always thought that I was a pretty patient person, and I'm pretty sure that, like most things, God laughed and said "well, here's your test". Liam is full on a toddler now. He will be 2 in four months. That time called "terrible twos" should be changed to "terrible 10 months to what feels like forever" Terrible Two's is just a pretty alliteration, that's the only reason it's called that.
Liam first started throwing tantrums when he learned how to walk efficiently, he took his first steps at nine months, but didn't feel comfortable cruising until about ten months. That's when his whole world of independence shifted. Suddenly, he didn't need mommy to pick him up to go anywhere, and he certainly didn't have to waste time with that crawling nonsense anymore. I remember thinking how excited I was that he could walk.... that excitement was short lived. Lately, Liam has been pushing boundaries to see how far he can go before he gets in trouble. He doesn't really talk yet, but I'm not all that concerned. My friend Rachel asked about his hearing and I know he can hear, because from wherever he is, if he is doing some dastardly deed, the second he hears you approaching he will immediately run away. No, his hearing is excellent indeed. He's just a stinker half the time now.
Today, I was feeling really run down and quite emotional, but that's to be expected being 8 months pregnant and still having to keep up with a very active child. Liam didn't listen to pretty much anything I said today; let me rephrase that- he listened, because he would acknowledge, then he would do the complete opposite of what I asked him to do or he just kept doing what he was doing. I was drowning in my frustration today. Finally, after all day of him hearing me and then pushing his boundaries he had had about three time outs, got yelled at twice and swatted on the leg once. I feel like I've been doing a really good job at being patient with this child, but today was really my off day. I pray everyday that Heavenly Father will bless me with patience, and usually I do really awesome. Today.... not so much. Sometimes being patient takes longer than I want it to, and doesn't get Liam to listen, so I have to yell at him. I hate doing it. Every. Single. Time. But sometimes I feel like it is the only thing that will get him to pay attention and follow directions.
I hate admitting that I have problems. I hate admitting that I feel overwhelmed sometimes. I hate admitting that I'm not the perfect "make cookies and have a clean house Mormon" mom. Truth is, I struggle, not all the time, because like I said earlier I pray for patience every day; and most days God helps me through and I am able to have wonderful days of patience and nothing Liam does annoys me. But then there is the one day out of all the good ones that remind me that I really cannot do this without my God's help.
After Liam went to bed and I recanted the days events, I just cried and cried and cried. In fact, I'm wanting to cry as I write this. I love Liam so incredibly much that it emotionally pains me when I get angry with him. Because like I mentioned earlier, he turns 2 in four months. He is not even two. That is something that I have to constantly be reminded of. I'm sure he is so frustrated at the fact that he doesn't talk and so he can't really communicate with me other than the head nods, points and babbles. All of the stress, frustration, emotions, hormones from the past little bit finally accumulated and I couldn't push them away anymore. I had a slight emotional breakdown. Which, I'm sure when Jon heard from the other room freaked him out. But he was very sweet and put a pause on homework to come and comfort me and to give me words of encouragement. I really married a wonderful man, and I am so grateful that I have him by my side. Then, came the guilt. I have to admit, I haven't felt like I did tonight for a good long while. I think it was a reminder of how I took my relationships for granted during my Postpartum Depression. I felt guilt because there are so many women who do parent alone, and who are single mothers- without help, encouragement, support or guidance. I'm lucky enough that I have so many people in my life who do give me these gifts every day, and tonight was kind of a reminder to keep the lines of communication open. Because it is ok to cry. It is ok to feel run down. It is ok to feel overwhelmed. It's not ok for me to hide those feelings from those who are closest to me, because they really have my best interest in mind and want more than anything for me to be ok.
Those are my thoughts from the past couple of days. It's always interesting to hear other people compliment you on something that you don't feel like you are doing very well. Liam and I went and visited Jon's grandma and during our stay she mentioned how patient I was with Liam. That took me off guard for a moment, because I feel like I'm not very patient with him- hence me praying for patience everyday. I definitely know that God hears and answers prayers, because even the simple act of being more patient with my child is becoming easier. Even if I feel like I'm not very good at it yet. I just know that I love my little boy so much and that I really do need to work on being the best mommy I can, and not stress so much about the little things that honestly don't matter. He's curious, he's adventuresome, he's a handful. And it's ok for me to not know exactly how to handle things. That's why I have an awesome mom who will send me encouraging texts, and a wonderful husband who will put his things on hold to comfort me. And a little boy, who still gives me loves and kisses after I've gotten short with him, and will pat my back as if to tell me that all is well and that he holds no grudge or malice of any sort with me. I truly am blessed.
My favourite scripture since finding out that I was pregnant with Liam has been:
“And
now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle;
easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being
temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of
God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both
spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever
things ye do receive.
“And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works”
(Alma 7:23–24).
Patience is not always in a woman, it has to be constantly worked on.
Men need to stop writing false statements on things that pertain to women.
