I am 39 weeks pregnant with my due date being next Wednesday! Hopefully he comes before his due date, especially considering that some girls who are due after me have already had their babies. It's like the whole how people who were finding out the sex of their child who weren't due til way after me thing. Yeah... super annoying, more of just frustration though. Liam is getting super cramped up in my belly and I am sure that the uncomfortableness is not just on my part.
I personally feel like I am some sort of ticking time bomb. Every ache, pain, twinge, stab, pressure makes me wonder if this is the real deal and if it's time yet. For about a week I would wake up at about two in the morning and have steady, consistent contractions for about an hour and then as soon as I was about to wake up Jon to take me to the hospital they would subside. It was as though the child in my belly was taunting me with it. I can already sense part of Jon in him which is totally crazy but so true.
With the end of this pregnancy being so close there are some things that I am excited for and then there are some things that I am terrified for.
- I am NOT scared for the labor and delivery of my baby, I have chosen to forgo having an epidural. I don't want to not have control over my body, and with the epidural it makes everything waist down entirely numb, and I do not want to have that feeling. I am ok with other ways to ease the pain, but I really do not want an epidural.
- I AM scared for recovery, and not necessarily the recovery of my body, but I'm more concerned with the recovery of my mind. So many women get post partum depression and that is one thing that I am terrified more than anything for. When I first got on birth control I was using the pill. I took it religiously every day, but it messed with my hormones and my mind. After about a month of using it I was not myself, I was angry and was so easily offended, I would cry at the drop of a hat, Jon and I had constant bickers, and eventually the pill made me so self conscious. I would wait for Jon to go to sleep and then I would just cry and cry because I just had no self esteem anymore. I felt completely hopeless and I felt like I wasn't worth anything to anybody, and one night Jon woke up in the middle of me crying and he made me promise that I wouldn't take my next dose of birth control. Within the next couple days I felt so much better and I wasn't so depressed as my hormones leveled out and made me not feel totally worthless. That is what I'm afraid of. I have never been a depressed person, I've always known that I was worth something and I have never once thought that things would be better if I weren't around, and to have those feelings was the worst thing ever; I never want to feel like that again. So even though it might not happen, just the fact that postpartum depression COULD happen is what makes me scared.
- I am NOT scared to be a mom because I know that instincts will kick in and that I have so many people around me who have been in this situation who will be more than willing to help me out.
- I AM scared that people will completely go against what I want and do what they want and what they think should happen to my baby. I am more scared for them in this situation. This is Jon's and my child and I will not sit around and be talked down to because we have chosen a different way of raising him than they would have or have done.
With all of this being said, I am really excited to bring this new life into this world. It still amazes me whenever I look at my belly and I can see him moving, to think that Jon and I made this little creature and that he is going to be ours to love forever. Jon is going to make a FANTASTIC father, we've talked about all the things that they are going to do together, and our son is so lucky because he has a best friend without even having to search for one. Jon is so excited to do all the cool father-son things, and I am excited to watch them together and watch them grow. I can just imagine all of the scrapbook pages I'll be able to make with my two boys. I feel so young, probably because I am, but I think about how fast time goes. It seems like only yesterday that I was a little girl playing in my room with my barbies.
Well, the next post will most likely be after the baby is born. So keep checking up on that cause I'll probably put pictures up.... if I'm not too lazy or tired.