Have you ever had that feeling when past emotions that you thought you were over have just come flooding back? Well, tonight has been one of those nights; and I can't help but be sad, for silly things that really shouldn't even matter anymore. Most recently is the inexcusable fact that I really am just not important to people who I used to be really good friends with. There is one friend who I used to do everything with! Sing, play the piano, watch movies with, talk on the phone forever, perform with, share everything with. There was even a summer where we went to Lagoon everyday it seemed! And yet, one summer it was like I didn't matter anymore, the things that we used to do together and the laughter and fun times that we had just disappeared. And all of a sudden they were spending time with people that I had introduced them to. People who had been my friends first, and then all of sudden they didn't need me anymore. And at the time it hurt, because I didn't know what I had done to make this change. And as years have gone by I look back and wonder what I did, and I honestly don't know what I did that was so egregious to cause, not just one, but several of people who I had considered to be good friends to completely disregard me. And over the years I have thought less and less of it, and with meeting Jon and dating and getting married I haven't really thought about it at all, until tonight. It's one of those things where I just have to wonder what made it so that I wasn't good enough. And I have to admit I started crying a little bit. Because everyone in their teenage years wants to be loved and accepted, and up until my Senior year in high school I was. And then all of a sudden things changed and I felt like I wasn't important to anybody, and I don't know what brought it up tonight, but it came up in my mind and all of a sudden all of the hurt and all of the sadness that I felt just rushed into my body. I'm glad for the way that things have turned out in my life, but I'm also really sad that it took so long for me to feel loved and accepted by my peers. I remember countless nights crying myself to sleep my Senior year because of lies that were told about me to keep my old friends from spending time with me. And I know that people won't believe me, but it really hurts to know that people had told others these lies, maybe about what I said, or maybe about what I "did". And it really does make me feel sad that in a lot of people's eyes, I just wasn't good enough. Back then I didn't do what I did for me, I did what I did for other people, be it for my parents or my brothers or my friends. There are a lot of things that I enjoyed doing, but never really did for me. And I remember feeling really sad my Senior year, I really didn't have very many friends that I could talk to anymore without them turning around and laughing and joking about my heartfelt statements with one another. I didn't have a lot of trust in my life, which I think is why Jon and I had so many problems early into our relationship. I didn't know how to trust people anymore, and so I didn't know how to trust Jon, even though he hadn't ever done anything to me to prove him any less trustworthy.
I am so grateful for Jon and for the comfort that he gives me, in any situation. I just wanted to be cared about and loved in high school and I didn't really get it until I met Jon. And even now, I see or hear something and it makes me kind of sad to know that I am not included in that, but at the same time it doesn't matter because I do have Jon and I am going to be with him forever and he will never not love me. And so I know that from now on I will be loved and wanted by him; which is all I should want because he is my best friend. Now I'm not saying that I had a horrible Senior year, I'm just saying that I wish a lot of the things that happened just hadn't. And the people who affected me will probably never know and probably not even care if they knew, and so I know that I need to just let it go and not hold these feelings in anymore because it's not affecting them, it's only affecting me. And yet, somehow, letting go just is so hard sometimes. I know I need to do it, because I don't want to be holding onto these sad feelings forever. What I am grateful for is for those friends who did help me my Senior year. The list isn't very big but I am grateful for Pam who was always there for me when I needed to cry or to give me a hug. And I'm grateful for my Sammy who would always let me come down to her apartment in Salt Lake and be my play buddy.
Again, I don't know why that was brought up into my life tonight, I guess that's what late night thinking and facebook will do to a person: bring up old memories that really don't matter anymore. One thing I can say about it is that I definitely would not be the person I am today if i hadn't had those experiences in high school. I know that I will NEVER leave anyone out because I know how it feels to not be wanted, and I don't want to bring that pain on anyone. I also know that if I hadn't been left out for the majority of my Senior year I wouldn't be as talented on the piano, when I was home all the time I would just play the piano. I would play and sing and then I could be somewhat strong and pretend that none of it was happening. I also know that when I get older I'll be able to help others and give advice about how it won't matter after the fact. Because what happened doesn't matter, I found my eternal companion, I am still the same person with the same goals and ambitions. And I know now that it doesn't matter what other people say about you, be it your friends, your enemies, your frenimes or your own family, nothing anybody says can affect you the way that you can affect yourself.
Ok, now I'm just rambling. It's late, late nights will do that to you. And I'm going to go to bed. A little venting session was just what I needed. :)