When I was born, my father was stationed in England, and we lived in a house called The Timbers. Our house was in the middle of the woods, and our driveway was so long that the rubbish men refused to come get our rubbish bins from us and my brothers had to take it up the driveway. Our driveway was also covered with tree's, so dense that they covered the driveway completely in a tunnel of greenery. If you stood at the bottom of the driveway and looked back it looked like a dark tunnel with a tiny circle of light at the end. After fighting my mental self for the past six months, I am beginning to see the light at the end of my dark tunnel. I am having more good days than bad and when a topic comes up that used to put me in tears I just simply don't care. And believe me apathy is a much better emotion to feel toward the thoughts that would tear me down. It's like in elementary school when the boys would tease me, all they wanted was a reaction, and as long as I gave them that reaction they would pursue teasing me. But once I just didn't care, it wasn't fun for them anymore. That's how I'm starting to feel, I'm starting to feel like Satan is trying to get a rise out of me with the negative thoughts and feelings, but I'm not giving in and giving a reaction. I'm starting to feel immune to the thoughts that pop up in my head. I'm also starting to battle them back. I feel like I've got my self back!
There have been a lot of things that have gotten me back on track, and I would be truly ungrateful if I didn't mention them.
First is my wonderful husband. Even though I get exasperated with Jon sometimes when he's acting like the elementary school boys, I love him more than he will ever know or realize. He said something the other day that was truly profound; as we were discussing love and Liam, I mentioned how Liam probably doesn't understand love as the emotion, he just knows that I am the one to give him food, snuggles, change him, bathe him, dress him and do all of the things that he needs me to do. I sent this message: Just because you are dependent on someone doesn't mean you love them. Love is a chosen emotion when you are old enough to understand the feeling. To which my fabulous husband responded with: or maybe children understand the concept perfectly, forget it as they get older, and we spend the rest of our lives relearning what love is. Maybe as adults we want to quantify the unquantifiable. ~~~~~~~ holy chalupa! I really sat back and thought about his statement, I believe he is totally on to something there! Christ taught us that we need to be childlike, and I cannot think of any other attribute that sums up children perfectly. I watch my sweet baby boy, and he has no malice toward anyone, he is so loving of everyone, even random strangers who are sitting at another table, or pew, or bench. He always smiles at everyone and makes friends everywhere and that is an attribute that I really need to internalize and put into practice.
Next is my mother. She is the most amazing woman I have ever known. I know plenty of women say that about their mothers but I am dead serious. I love her more than anything, and I strive to emulate her in my role as a mother. She has always been my rock, and that person that I can always talk to. No matter what it is about, she is always there to listen. She is always willing to watch my son, so that if I need some time with Jon I can have it. She is one of my biggest supporters and I know that I can always count on her to listen and give me help with any topic or question. She is the first person I call when there is a problem, and she is the first person I talk to when I have a story to tell. My mom is simply the best.
After that is Rachel, I honestly don't know what I wouldn't do without my best friend. She is awesome. I love having our talks and being able to talk about anything..... and I mean ANYTHING! Rachel and I are always up to talking about the random, the crazy, and the fun! She is so good to my baby and Liam just positively loves his Auntie Rachel and Uncle Matt!
Finally, there is my sister and the Garcia's Girls. We have a blast every week, and it has really helped me shift my focus to the wonderful things that there is in life. I look forward to Garcia's nights every week, and it has really helped my mental state to be able to go to a place where I don't have to be perfect, or on top of things. I can relax and just be me. I don't have to worry about the faux pas of the world. It has been an amazing mental release of all of the built up anger that I had toward myself being with the awesome women of our Tuesday Nights Get Togethers.
I'm beginning to see the wonderful in life again, I'm starting to wake up and be excited about what I'm going to do that day. I've noticed that I'm not so quick to anger or annoyance or frustration, and that everything happens and I feel like I'm becoming more lax about everything and I can feel that I am not so uptight as when I was in my dark days. The days seem brighter and I feel lighter in my mood.
I am so grateful that my Heavenly Father has heard my prayers and is starting to give me the ability to fight back. He was keeping my stable and keeping my head above water-metaphorically speaking- but now I am starting to feel like I'm closer to getting back to my normal self. I know that He hears our prayers and that He answers them in His own time. I am so grateful that I have been blessed with wonderful friends, family and husband who have supported me and been there for me when I was feeling down. I don't know what I would do without The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in my life. I love where Jon and I are right now, Jon will finish at SLCC in August and then it will be 1 1/2 until he graduates with his Bachelors. I am SOOOO proud of him! He is an amazing husband and amazing supporter of our family. I have been so blessed that I was able to kneel across the alter of the Holy Temple and be sealed to him, and have our children sealed to us, for time and all eternity.
Those are my thoughts from today. Just a small update!