My Battle

This is a very hard post for me to write. Because this is so personal... and I wasn't going to write anything about this but as I was vacuuming today I was thinking about everything that has happened and I felt compelled to write about my experiences and my thoughts on the whole thing.

I was told once that the feelings of self doubt and worthlessness was the adversary working hard against you. Satan is very real, and he wants so badly to cause us to fall. It's not his mission to make us fail so completely though, it is his goal to make us not as worthy as we could be. If we are worthy to enter the Celestial Kingdom, he will work so hard and be content if we enter a lesser kingdom. In a talk by Richard G. Scott in the April 2000 General Conference he issued this statement: "Satan has unleashed a seductive campaign to undermine the sanctity of womanhood, to deceive the daughters of God and divert them from their divine destiny. He well knows women are the compassionate, self-sacrificing, loving power that binds together the human family."
The compassionate, self-sacrificing, loving power that binds together the human family. Think about that statement for a moment; my favorite part is the last bit, that mothers bind together the human family. Satan knows how important mothers are in the home, where fathers are the patriarch and leader of the home, mothers are the ones that make sure the rules of the patriarch are followed. We bind together the human family, so in a way, what I'm about to talk about makes sense.
85% of mothers experience baby blues after their baby is born, this can last one to three weeks after delivery. When a mother's baby blues last longer or start up after this amount of time and before six months it is considered post partum depression, which happens in about 25% of new mothers. I didn't get baby blues, but after I had to stop breastfeeding because of my school schedule, I developed post partum depression. It started off so inconspicuously, a day or two out of the week, I would wake up and not want to do anything that day. Then gradually it started getting worse, and I started gaining weight and getting more and more irritable; these symptoms I chalked up to the birth control I was put on. But then I would wake up and already be at a low-point, and I realized that something was wrong. I didn't want to say anything to anybody because we were studying depression in my Mental Health class, and so I thought that I could "fix" myself. I tried so hard to be ok, but I was feeling more and more worthless, and I felt like I wasn't a good mother, I wasn't a good wife, I wasn't a good daughter. Even when my own mother would tell me how proud she and my dad were of me, I wouldn't hear the good. The voice in my mind would remind me of all the things that I've done to make them disappointed, or remind me of what I've completely failed at. I would hear about the good, but all I could think about was the bad. I would play with my son, and take care of him, and I could see what a perfect little creature he is, and how he is such a blessing in our lives, but that voice in my head would tell me how I was a bad mom, and how I would never be able to take care of him fully, and how I wasn't good enough because I hadn't finished school and I couldn't stay home and take care of him properly, and how I wasn't doing the absolute best for him because I wasn't breastfeeding him anymore. And I would sit with Jon, and I started pushing him away because I hadn't lost my baby weight and I felt like I was completely unattractive, and how I was a horrible wife because I wasn't making sure the house was clean, or the dishes were done or my house was in order. I was waking up at a low point every day, I was going to bed at a low point every night, I was to the point where I would go to bed at night and I didn't want to wake up the next morning. I didn't care about my well-being. I started to have thoughts that the lives of every one around me would be better if I weren't in it. I knew that Liam would be taken care of by Jon and my mom, and so I wasn't concerned with myself. This has been my battle for the past four months. The anxiety in our home had gotten to an all time high and finally Jon and I had an argument that made me realize that I wasn't doing a very good job at hiding my depression and hiding my problem. So I finally went to the doctor and got help. Liam was never in danger because I wasn't far enough in my depression to cause him harm, but I was in danger of myself. And that scared me. This was the one thing that I was most terrified for, I knew that I could handle labor, delivery and recovery; I was just scared that I wouldn't have control over my mind and emotions.
It's been a week since I got help and I am doing better. My mother and I were talking and she told me about how in Relief Society they were talking about JOY and each letter of the word. J is for Jesus and how in him we find true joy. O is for Others, and by serving others we find joy. Y is yourself, because if you are not taken care of, you cannot take care of others. M. Russel Ballard said, "I surely know that there is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood". From what I know of depression from an academic view and personal view is that it affects your whole persona. It is a whole feeling of hopelessness, of self doubt, of worthlessness, and feeling as though you just are not worthy of anyone's love. From what I know of the adversary is that these are all tools that he uses to make a person feel less worthy of God's eternal love for us. A love that only a parent can truly understand, I didn't understand that love until I held my baby boy in my arms for the first time. Post Partum Depression to me is the adversaries way of trying to inch his way into a home. If he can break the mother, then he can break the home, because a mother's love is what binds the human family together. The number of women who get PPD has gone up dramatically in the past twenty years and I think it's just proof that the Saviour's coming is so close, because Satan is working so hard against families and he's working so hard to break the family up. I am so incredibly grateful that I have the knowledge that I have that families are forever and that we are sealed together. I don't know what I would do without my family. Every single member of my family has taught me something and has been an example to me. I am so grateful that I know the power and the completeness of the love of my Saviour, Jesus Christ and of my Heavenly Father and Mother. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a mother and to start my own little eternal family with my best friend. Jon is more than I could ever hope for in an eternal companion and I am so glad that he and I have been sealed together. I am thankful for my son, Liam is such a sweet spirit that fills our lives with pure joy. He is the perfect first child and I hope that he never loses the traits that I see in him already.
This post was difficult to write but I hope that someone out there who reads my words will be able to get help if they are struggling. Like I said earlier, I wasn't going to write about my experience, I wasn't really going to tell anybody about it. But I felt like I needed to write it down, and the thoughts and words that I've written have just flowed to me. So I'm praying that the person who needs this will read it and get the help that they need because I know that I wrote this partly for me and partly for them.

Thanksgiving

I really am truly blessed!! Life is such a crazy whirlwind sometimes but in the end I love being home with my baby and my wonderful husband. I can't believe that the last post of mine was Halloween. So much has happened since then!! Liam had his four month appointment and got his next set of shots. The nurses were so sweet even if they were poking my baby with needles. And Liam was so adorable, he cried til I picked him up and then he was all smiles all over again. I really do have a wonderful baby!!
Liam is mobile!! Not super fast, but he's definitely able to scoot to whatever he seems to want. He can now sit up on his own, unassisted. He is eating like a champ and can't wait til he can have big people food. He will stare at whoever is eating and you can totally tell that he wants it so bad! He is eating with a spoon like a boss and it is his favourite past time!

This past month I have had auditions for my stakes production of Saviour of the World, and what an amazing experience that has been. We had auditions a couple weeks ago, and then preliminary callbacks last Sunday. And the next set of call backs is on the 1 of December, then we will get our parts. At the first call back they had me learn the parts for Mary and Mary Magdelene. So we will see how it goes. I am so excited that I am even being considered!!

We have officially started working on the Christmas Spirit in our home!! We made ornaments the other day with Liam's handprint. And we put up the Christmas tree and Liam and I listened to Christmas music while cleaning the other day. I also wrapped up Liam's presents from us, and Jon's present from me. I am so excited to spend our first Christmas together as a family!! I went shopping for our Christmas Eve pajama's and wrapped them up and then got a Christmas Movie and wrapped it up and tagged it for the Mosher Family! I am so excited!! We are going to have so much fun!

So the other day Liam and I had a pretty funny experience. Liam was hungry, so I made him some cereal and applesauce and he was eating, really well too, but he was really tired. So he was in the middle of eating and then all of a sudden, he started dozing. Oh my goodness, I tried so hard to not laugh, but then he closed his eyes and then his head just fell! He then woke himself up and started crying until I gave him more food, then he acted like a little hungry bird... until he fell asleep again. Only this time he stayed out and food was drooling out of his mouth. I have to admit, I went into the other room to laugh heartily for a bit and then I came back out to take him out of his high chair and put him in his crib. 

Our first Thanksgiving as a family was a huge success. I ended up doing Thanksgiving for Jon's mom Barb and his brothers, which it ended up just being Chris. So I was researching how to cook turkey's for three weeks!! Well, the day came, the night before Thanksgiving, I brined my turkey and then made sure that I had all of the things for the next day. Then Thursday morning I woke up and prepped my turkey. I dressed it and then put it in the oven, terrified that it wouldn't turn out. But, five hours later, I pulled it out and it was amazing! It was falling apart, there was no carving needed. I went to cut the turkey and I pulled it off with tongs. It turned out so good. I was so happy with myself.

Parties, to Airplanes, to All Hallows Eve!

A couple weeks ago, Jon and I threw our Halloween Party! It was so much fun! We had desserts, and costumes and games, and friends; and at the end of the night we watched The Woman in Black. Rachel, Matt, Jon, Liam and I dressed up as the Scooby Doo gang. Jon was Freddy, I was Daphne, Rachel was Velma, Matt was Shaggy and Liam was Scooby Doo! We had such a fun time with our friends!

Then we had a little adventure! Timy and Meagan got married over the summer, in probably the most romantic place in the world: Italy! The pictures of their engagements and ceremony were absolutely stunning! Well, since their ceremony was in a foreign country, none of us were able to attend. So we flew down to Texas this past weekend and went to a party that had been planned as a reception of sorts. Jon and I were a little worried as to how Liam would handle a plane ride, but we got all packed and packed the diaper bag full of things that we figured we could use on the plane to distract our little one. We bought pre-mixed formula so that we didn't have to worry about water and powder on the flight, and we got snacks and such for us for the ride. We got to the airport and checked our luggage and then proceeded to go thru security. Let me tell you, that security is much more annoying when you have a tiny infant who somehow gets heavier and heavier the farther you walk! We took out the formula so that TSA could test it, and she asked if it was ok for them to test it, so we told her yes and she said, "Oh, good. Because if you had said no, I would have had to pat you down and search your things." I just laughed and said that she could test it all she wanted then. It is really funny though, because these TSA people are acting all tough and whatnot, but our little Liam managed to be charismatic enough that everyone wanted him to smile at them next. It was pretty cute! We then approached the terminal, and we got to get on first because Liam is under 2. The stewardesses just loved him!! Liam played a bit and then promptly fell asleep. He is a really good flyer!
We got to Texas and Tim and Meagan picked us up, and we drove for 2 hours to Victoria where Meagan lives. We got to our hotel and we set up Liam's pack and play, and he was so out that he didn't even stir when we were moving him from the bed to the pack and play.
The next morning, we woke up and got ready and then we were picked up by Tim and taken to Meagan's mothers home. Her mom had her garden done and it was beautiful. Timy made this wonderful buffet style meal that was fantastic! And we got to meet Meagan's family! We had a really fun time! We flew back Sunday and Liam was just as good on the way home that we was on the way to Texas. We got to the airport and got into the terminal, I changed him before we got on the flight, and then we got into the plane, the stewardess came around and gave all the little kids Delta Wings, so I put those on Liam. Then as we were taking off, first I smelt it, and then I felt it. Liam's digestive track decided that that was the perfect time to have a blowout explosion of nastiness. It was so bad! Usually his diapers can keep it in, but it didn't with this! It had come out the side of his diaper and was fouling up his cute little shorts! Finally, we were in the air and I called the stewardess over and asked if I could hurry and go to the bathroom to change our little stinky boy. She said that it was easier to do at our seats because we would have more room. So we put down the trays and laid him on them. Jon got out five or six wipes that I could have, and I undid his diaper and it was the fastest change/clean up I've ever done! Liam, of course was laughing and giggling the whole time! I hurried and changed him and we put the dirty diaper in the barf bag and then Jon gave it to the stewardess. The routine was the same as before and Liam soon fell asleep and then we were home.

Today was Halloween, and we got all dressed up and went to our wards trunk or treat. Kind of lame if you ask me or Jon. We find it kind of a cop out! When we were little we had to go around to people's houses and ask for candy, now everybody parks their cars and little kids come to you. What happened to the good ole days of roaming from neighbourhood to neighbourhood and figuring out where all the best candy was? Holidays really aren't the same since all the scares and people going crazy, which is sad. I remember learning about Halloween stories and having parties and dressing up and parading the school when I was little. Now, everything has to be "politically correct" which I think is ridiculous. Kids are only kids once and this whole being politically correct is ruining their childhood.
We got home from the trunk or treat and Liam was hungry and then he ate quite a bit (10 oz!) and then he started dozing, so I put him in his crib to let him sleep. We are going to start trying to get him to sleep in his own crib. This is the second time I've said I will start trying this so we'll see how run 2 goes. Right now, he is sleeping peacefully in his crib!

Rachel-Velma; Matt-Shaggy; Jon-Freddy; Britt-Daphne; Liam-Scooby Doo! Liam was ready for bed as he so adequately demonstrates in this photo!

This is a sweater that my mother made for Liam!

This was his adorable little outfit we bought for the party. It makes a wonderful Sunday outfit too!

We gave Liam some banana flavoured wafers! I didn't want his outfit getting dirty. But he loved them!

For Scot's birthday we got a prailines and cream cake. I couldn't eat any but Liam was sure looking at it very intently. This was as close as we let him get to it. :)

Another Catch Up Post! (I can never think of Titles...)

Well, these past couple weeks have gone by really fast. I ended up getting really bored with Jon's and my room the other day, so I reorganized everything! I put up new curtains, moved our bed to a different wall, painted the far wall and moved dressers and tables around. I just have to get frames so that I can put up pictures on the walls now. I am even going to put up a cute quote from either Moulin Rouge or Frank Sinatra
"The greatest thing you'll learn, is just to love and be loved in return" -Moulin Rouge
                                                           or!
"A simple 'I Love You' means more than money" -Frank Sinatra

If there was a quote by Dean Martin I would put that up in a heartbeat. He's my favourite!

But the room looks much better! I am way excited to finish it! I've also started thinking about how to redo the kitchen. I am thinking about sanding down the cabinets and refinishing them with a cherry wood colour. And then, since Jon and I don't have money to actually put in a granite countertop, I have researched how to paint with that marble look. And then we'll put a glaze over it so it's shiny! I'm really excited to renovate our kitchen. The house was built in the 70's, and so the kitchen was very... well... 70's!

The other day, Rachel and I went to Beyond Spa for their promotional special: Ghouls Night Out. And oh my holy freaking chalupa! It was positively amazing!! We had a foot soak, while we got to nibble on apples and caramel, pretzels, taffy and these really good lemonade drinks. After that we went into the pedicure room and got these really good pedicures with the wonderful sugar scrub! Then we got these 50 minute full body massages. I was sooooooo incredibly relaxed afterward. I didn't want to get up. The massage tables were all heated and stuff. Aahhhhh.... so awesome! I had so much fun with Rachel! Love her!

My adorable little man sleeping!

Cannot get enough of this smile!!

Liam loves his daddy so much!

Watching this made me so happy! You can see in Liam's face just how much he loves his daddy!

I love my Mosher Men!

The above pictures are my favourite! When Jon holds him, Liam just brightens up. When Jon comes home from work, Liam always gives him a huge smile! You can tell just by watching the two that Liam looks up to his dad so much! His dad is his hero and best friend! I love the bond that they have!

Conference, Camping and a Getaway!

For Conference Weekend, we went up to Pineview to spend the day with the Mosher's and Sheridan's. It was Liam's first camping experience! So we got him all bundled up and got in the van and headed up to Pineview. We headed up and went up the Morgan way, but we ended up missing our exit so we headed back down and just went up the way that Jon knew how to go. So we got up to the dam, and instead of going straight like we were supposed to we turned and went over the dam, and then I read Sheri's text and we had to turn around again. We got to the campground just as we heard the big announcement made by President Monson about young men being able to serve missions at age 18 and women at 19. Holy cow! I have one less year to prepare for my baby leaving on his mission! That was the thought that went through my head as I heard that announcement. WOW! We got up to the campsite and it was FREEZING! I tried to tough it out outside and had Liam bundled in a onsie, socks, a fleece footsie pajama outfit, gloves and a hat. However when I felt his nose, it was very cold, so I took him inside the trailer and we finished listening to Conference in there. We had quite a fun time up in the mountains.

Jon and I also had a mini vacation! Jon surprised me with a date day and night just us, Thursday we dropped Liam off with my mother and we went to Salt Lake and ate at our favourite restaurant: Tucano's and then we went to see Taken 2. After that we walked around the Gateway, and we found this way awesome store that has a bunch of childhood games! We bought Liam a jack-in-the-box, a rattle, a teether ball and a tube thingy that looks like the hungry caterpillar! After we bought toys for our son, we went to the Anniversary Inn and checked into our room. We had the Sultans Palace and it was way cool! Our bed was on the backs of elephants and our tub was at the feet of this creepy giant phoenix. We had quite an enjoyable time!

We got home this morning and to see the giant smile on our sons face was such an amazing thing! He loved the jack-in-the-box! And he loved shaking his rattle! It was so much fun to show him that even though we had left for the night we hadn't forgotten about him. We love our little boy so much and we can't imagine our lives without him. Even for the one night away it was so weird for us and we ended up talking about him the entire time anyway!

Liam and I up in Pineview!

Do you see his cute little gloves?? It looks like he is flipping off the camera but he's really not!

Us walking along the path

I love this picture of Jon and I

Liam was cold so Jon cuddled up with him!

ZOO!!

Today was a very fun day! Jon and I decided that we were going to go to the zoo today, it was going to be the first time that we went to the zoo as a family! We woke up this morning and we got little Liam ready and we all got dressed to go to the zoo! Rachel and Matt and Rachel's two nephew's and niece came with us too.
We all got to the zoo and started our journey! It was so much fun! We saw the elephants, monkeys, tigers, giraffe's, and Liam's favourite: the sea lion! They have the new exhibit that had seal's and sea lions, and then the polar bear! We love it so much! We also went on the carousel, and Liam loved that too! I can't wait til next year when we can get a membership so that we can go whenever we want!
My baby is growing up so fast! He will be three months next week! I can't believe it! Time goes by so fast, and it is so amazing to see how much he is growing and how much he is learning. He has been giggling, and he has been cooing like crazy! When he finally starts talking I don't think we'll be able to get him to stop.
Well here are some pictures from the zoo today!!

Us at the beginning of the zoo!

Liam and I in front of the Elephants! The little baby elephant Zuri was adorable!

Us as a family!

Liam on the golden rhino that I'm pretty sure everyone has had their picture taken with in the history of the zoo!

Liam loved the sea lion, and he loved watching him swim around!

Our little family! Love his little hat!

I love my boys!

POLAR BEAR!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My baby was so tired when we were done!

I think our first zoo outing with our baby was a total success! We had so much fun as a family!!

Four Generations

Sunday was such a fun day! First Barbara and Patrick came over to our house to play with Liam, and then my brother Paul showed up! I haven't seen Paul for about a year and a half. Well, ever since the wedding. And so he came over to our house and it was WONDERFUL to see each other. He played with Liam for a bit before going over to my parents house. Then The Mosher's came over to our house for dinner. I made a roast! It was my first time doing a roast, but it was amazing!! it turned out really well! I was really happy with how it turned out!

We managed to get a four generation picture with Don, Rod, Jon and Liam. And that was my main purpose in inviting The Mosher's. It made me excited!! Not much is going on in our life. We are pretty boring. School is going well, Jon is doing awesome! I am so proud of him. I am loving my social work classes. I hate school, cause I don't feel like I'm good at it and frankly, I have had a hard time staying motivated after having my baby. I want to stay home and take care of him. I love that I don't have to have him in a daycare and that my mother is willing to watch him everyday, but I hate the fact that I don't get to stay home with him. But I do have to admit that my Social Work teacher really does keep me motivated. I really love his style of teaching!

Well, here are some pictures!

My brother Paul with my baby!! :) LOVE THEM!!

Four Generation Picture!! Don, Jon, Liam and Rod

Insert Clever Title Here

September will always be a month that holds a special place in my heart. Three years ago this month, I met my eternal sweetheart. I will always remember that first meeting with Jon. I hadn't actually met him in person yet, but he was friends with a bunch of my friends and he had added me as a friend on facebook; later that night on chat we were chatting and talking about our friends and his mission and he asked if any good movies had come out while he was on his mission, so I mentioned a movie and he asked if I had it. I told him that I did, and he said that I should come over and bring it. So I told him ok, and then he gave me his address and so I got in my car and started driving to his house. On my way to his house a realization hit me: I had never met this guy before, and here I was driving to his house to hang out with him. I then wondered if I was totally crazy! And then as I pulled up to his house I thought, "yes, yes I am....". I got out of my car and walked up to the door, and rang the doorbell. He answered the door and I looked up into his perfectly clear, gorgeous blue eyes and I had a feeling that he was going to be someone special in my life. I didn't know then how completely right I was.
Everytime I met a new boy and would tell my mum about him, she would always ask, "Can I get excited?" And every time I told her nope. Well, the day after I met Jon my mother asked me that question and I told her that she could start getting excited.
How grateful I am that I met Jon three years ago this month. We had a very tumultuous courtship for the first couple of months that ended up in a break up for five months. But it was very much needed, we didn't know how to fight or argue with each other, so it always ended up with a break up. But after that five month separation, I knew that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I am a very firm believer that a couple needs to have that fight, or that break from one another to decide if that person is someone that they truly want to be with.

Enough of that!
This week has been slow, yet exciting!
Liam got his first set of vaccinations. I think it was harder on me than it was on him. He was laying down so peacefully and the nurses came in and counted to three and then stuck him with the needles. And I couldn't stop my tears when I heard his cries. One of the hardest things about being a mom is allowing things to happen to my baby that hurt him, because I know that it is for the greater good. We came home and I just snuggled with him and he went to sleep. Later, Jon went to change him and noticed that the injection site was very swollen and touching it made Liam cry in pain. So Jon went to the store to get some baby tylenol and we gave Liam a dose, and soon he had fallen asleep again in my arms.

Saturday I had the opportunity to style Matt's mom's hair for her wedding! Rachel and I went over and Rachel did her toes while I styled her hair, then we helped her get ready and then we all went over to the church and proceeded to set up for the reception. The wedding was beautiful and it was lovely to see Matt's mom and her new husband looking so happy. I only met her this week, but it feels as though I've known her for awhile because of how sweet and welcoming she is.

The side of Renee's hair!

The back of her hair

We also decided what we are going to be for Halloween this year! I am not a fan of Halloween but holidays immediately became fun with a baby! Matt, Rachel, Jon and I have decided that we are going to be the Scooby Doo gang! With Jon as Fred, Me as Daphne, Matt as Shaggy, Rachel as Velma and Liam as Scooby Doo! We are so excited that we have even planned a party so that we can dress up and show off our costumes!! I think Halloween will be fun now that I have a house to decorate and make spooky for the Holiday. I'm going all out for Halloween because it's Jon's favourite holiday, but just you wait for Christmas, because I am even more excited for Christmas (which is in 100 days FYI!) and Jon will have no choice but to go all out with me!

Sick... blah!

Being sick sucks! Jon has been sick all week, and he's been so miserable with a terrible sore throat and a cold. I even made him sleep downstairs in the spare bedroom so that he wouldn't get Liam sick. And then as luck would have it, I woke up Friday and my throat was very dry. Then later that night we went to dinner with Jon's mom and during dinner it started to hurt when I swallowed. Then when we came home it really started to hurt. I made Jon bring up the humidifier and he slept upstairs with me that night. Saturday morning I woke up and I was not feeling well at all. My throat hurt and I was totally lightheaded. Jon woke up earlier than me because he went to a Hindu temple ceremony for his world religions class, so when I woke up I was alone which was kind of sad, but then I heard Liam starting to stir and so I knew that I needed to get up. I fed Liam and then laid him down on the bed next to me, and he was smiling and being totally cute!

Liam's face when Jon came into our room. He loves his daddy!!

Jon came home after his field trip for school and he came over and started talking to Liam, and Liam got the biggest smile on his face! It was the most adorable thing that I've seen in such a long time! Liam knows exactly who Jon is and you can tell that Jon is his hero! It almost made me start crying as I watched my baby smile as he recognized his daddy. I love being this little boys mommy! He brings Jon and I so much happiness. Especially when he will smile and coo at us.

Rachel and Matt came over later and Matt and Jon went and ran some errands and then Rachel took care of Liam for me while I rested trying to get over my illness. I am so grateful for such good friends. I am honestly a better person because of them, and I love having such amazing friends. And Liam just loves his Uncle Matt and Auntie Rachel!

Again, being sick sucks! My throat hurts, my head hurts and my nose is starting to hurt from blowing my nose so often! I hope that it won't last too long because it's no fun!

But, I will just say: I love my little family! And I am so glad that Jon and I are sealed together for eternity! I wouldn't have any body else by my side.

 

Labor Day Weekend!

Uh... is it really already September?


I've noticed that time seems to go by so quickly, I mean it seems as though it was just the other day that I was being induced and then bringing home my baby, and yet here he is, two months old! He is growing and getting stronger every day, and he is so attentive and is keeping us very entertained. We are so busy with school and with learning how to raise our precious baby it's hard to believe that he's already two months old!

Lot's to tell and it's only the fourth of the month!

• I had the chance to FINALLY go to the temple, it was a wonderful experience and it was definitely something that I needed. Time seemed to stand still in the temple and there was such a feeling of peace. And I received answers to questions that I didn't even know I had. So that was a nice thing that I had the chance to do. 
• I started getting our office cleared out. When we moved in 9 months ago, we kinda just put everything that didn't have a place yet in there. And for the past 8 months I have just shut the door with a, "out of sight out of mind" attitude, but I knew that it needed to get done, so that was my job this weekend. And I have made a path way! YAY!
• I have also been meaning to get my accent wall painted in the living room. So on Saturday night, Rachel and I went to Home Depot, got some free carpet and tile samples, and picked out paint. Then we came home and I painted my wall! I messed up in a few spots but nothing that I can't fix. 
• Sunday: I got a call from my mother asking if we would go over to her house for dinner so Jon could grill 4 steaks. Knowing that Timy and Meagan are at my parents house, I just figured that they had gone on an adventure for the day and that it would be my mum, dad, Jon and I. Well, when we got to the house, I walked in and Meagan was there sitting at the table! So I was confused. Come to find out that my sister in law-Elise, on her way to Maryland with the car that she and my brother had gotten from dad for their family, broke down in Nebraska. So the boys: Timy, Richard and my dad at one in the morning trekked out to Nebraska to tow the car home and Elise was put on a flight to Maryland. As soon as they put the car on the tow they traveled back; arriving home at about 6:30 Monday morning. A total of 29 hours they spent roundtrip. 
• Monday: I am really proud of myself for this! I managed to put up the pictures of Liam (well the ones that Kiddie Kandids didn't royally screw up) and cleaned up my living room from Saturday's work. Then Jon and I dropped the baby off to my mother and we had a wonderful little date day! One that won't happen again for awhile! We went to Olive Garden, and then we went to the new Batman movie with Matt and Rachel. We then went and picked up our baby and came home. Then a couple hours later we got all dolled up and we went to the Brigham City Temple Open House! It was beautiful, and such a fun family home evening! Liam was such a good baby and slept for pretty much all of it. Then as I was holding him I heard it first, then I felt his diaper squish, and then he got the most relieved, happy look on his face. And then I realized that even though it wasn't a lot, some had come out the back of his diaper! I hurriedly made Jon give my his blanket and I wrapped it around him as we finished the tour. Then when we got back out to the car we changed him in the trunk of the van, because we knew we couldn't let him sit in it for the ride home. 

Well, those are the highlights of this weekend! We had a pretty fun time with our little family and best friends! Here are some pictures!!

Um.... who else thinks that he looks just like his daddy?

My cutie!! 2 Months Old!

Focus on the wall, I was an idiot and didn't take a before picture. See how white it is??

After!! YAY!! LOVE IT!

First Week of School

Well, Jon's and my first week of school is officially over! And what a week this has been! Wednesday morning came way too fast. I was not ready to leave my baby! But my mother got to my house and then it was time for me to kiss my baby and say goodbye. I almost started crying. It was SOO hard! I'd just spent the last month and a half getting used to being a mommy and then all of a sudden I had to leave him. The houone thing that made me feel better was the fact that he was being taken care of by my mother and I didn't have to send him to a daycare centre. I am so incredibly grateful to have such an amazing mother who is willing to take care of my baby. I wouldn't trust anyone else to take care of him while I was away.
School was pretty fun actually. I have three social work classes, and anthropology class, a pilates class, and a psychology class. Jon has a history class, a world religions class, a Portuguese class and a bowling class. Monday's and Wednesday's he is at school from 10 to about 8 and then Tuesdays and Thursdays he has court that he's there for a long time. So I'm pretty sure that I won't be seeing much of Jon for the semester. I only have class from 10-3 most days sometimes til four. So even though I have class everyday, I don't have it forever so I can be with my baby!
So a couple weeks ago, Jon went to the dentist! I forced him to go and he got the most severe cavities filled, well the dentist told him to watch for pain because the ones he filled were the ones that were at risk for root canals. Well, Jon started having pain and so I immediately called the place that got my root canal done, and we got him in for Friday morning at 7 am! It was so freakishly early! But after mum came to pick up Liam, we left and Jon got all fixed up and then there was no more pain!! Then I went to class and then went to my mother's house to pick up Liam and we took Pantomime to the groomers. Her hair was so long that it was starting to mat, and she got a huge knot in her hair the other day that Rachel had to cut out. So it was time for the groomers. And Pantomime got shaved. I brought her back from the groomers and when she walked out of her kennel, Jon and I couldn't help but laugh! she was naked!! It was so funny! Her head is still poofy and her body is shaved. Her paws are still furry and she has a little ball the tip of her tail! She's so funny, as soon as she came back from the groomers, she immediately went from her kennel into hiding.

Things are going so well with Liam, we are having such a blast with him! He has grown so much in just two months! We had an appt the other day and he was 9 lbs 2 oz! He is just growing so well!! I can't believe that some women have babies that are his size already! CRAZY!! I am totally ok with my little 7 lb 3 oz child. But now he's growing. He is cooing and smiling so much every day! And he's being quite the little conversationalist! He's going to be such a ladies man when he grows up!!

His smile while trying to fight taking his nap!

Before

After!

Blessing and other things

Sunday was Liam's blessing. And what a wonderful blessing it was. I was feeling pretty stressed as I woke up that morning and got myself and Liam ready. My mother and father showed up at about 9:30 to plug crockpots in, and Rachel came over at 10:00 to help me get Liam ready. So we gave Liam a bath and then put him in his blessing clothes. We then headed over to the church and I fed Liam and burped him so that he would be happy and not crying for the actual blessing. And then I held him, finally it came time for Jon to take him up there and bless him. The men in the circle were Jon, my dad, Jon's dad, Uncle Mike (Jon's uncle), Grandpa Carling (Jon's step grandpa), Grandpa Mosher (Jon's grandpa), and Bishop Leota. Jon was really nervous and said that he almost passed out walking up to the front with Liam, but when he started speaking he did a beautiful job. I was so proud of him! And I totally cried. It really was a wonderful blessing. Liam is so lucky to have Jon as his daddy and I am so lucky to have him as a husband. The BBQ afterward was a huge success. My mother is pretty much the most amazing woman I've ever known! She put everything together and planned everything and it was because of her that everything got done! And also a huge shoutout to my Aunt Gail, my cousin Ashley, my sister Stormy and to Rachel and Matt! Without them we wouldn't have had anything set out or put away. I love my family and best friends! I really have the best people in my life ever!

Two nights ago, I woke up at two in the morning and I had the worst tummy ache ever, and of course, I had food poisoning! The second time in one year, it's not been a good year. I managed to have some energy and so I drove to my mothers house at seven in the morning and I continued to be sick at her house so that she could take care of Liam while I was sick and Jon was at work. I was so incredibly ill, it was the worst thing ever, the only thing that would make me feel any better was sitting in the bathtub in hot water.  It was so sad to know that I could not take care of my baby because I was sick. I am so grateful that I have a mother who I can ALWAYS depend on, because I would not have been able to take care of Liam. And that makes me feel horrible, but I know that I would not have been able to. I am so glad that I can always count on my mother. I don't know how single women do it! I have a whole new level of respect of those mothers who do no have the support of a husband/significant other, or of a mother or father, or sister.
Finally Jon came home and he and my dad gave me a blessing and then gave me sleeping pills, and I was out. I woke up this morning and felt so much better! My stomach was no longer in pain, and it was wonderful! How grateful I am for the Priesthood and for a husband and a father who hold that Priesthood worthily.

I will post pictures soon!

All Smiles!

I love being a mommy! This is seriously the best job in the world! I remember in my teen years I didn't want to get married or have kids. I had dreams that definitely didn't call for a family. But then I met Jon and I knew that I was meant to be with him! And then my dreams started morphing into more family oriented ones. I wanted to get married and have kids, and then Jon proposed and we started our happily ever after! And even though Liam's arrival was a little earlier than we had planned we would not have it any other way! We love our little guy!

Being a mom is the most satisfying thing ever. Liam is such a bright little kid, and I am so excited to see him continue to grow. The other day we went to the flower shop to order a baby boutonniere for his blessing tomorrow and they wanted to see how big he was so they could make the flower accordingly, so I lifted up the blanket on his carseat for them to see him. Well, baby's are immediately old lady magnets, and Liam is no different. Well, I found out that Liam is quite the lady charmer, he immediately was smiling for all of them and cooing, and they were just so enamored with him. He was such a little ladies man! So we ordered his flower and I get to go pick that up tomorrow!

I am so ready for this weekend to be over!! I used to love having parties and having a bunch of people over, but since getting married Jon and I realized that we are more content to stay at home, watch tv and cuddle. And the thought of a bunch of people coming over and it being our responsibility to feed them and keep them entertained is terrifying to me. My mother has been so amazing! She has been the main force behind everything because she has been thru all of this before. This is my first time planning one of these things, and I think the next time this happens I will be a little bit more prepared.

Liam smiling! 5 weeks today!

He loves to smile for mama and daddy!

A Catch Up Post!

Saturday was a day of work! Mum, Dad, Rachel and Matt all came over and we worked on the yard for a good long time. I guess this would be the only good thing that has come from being guilted and forced into moving the blessing date to next week: we have one more week to get things in order.
The grass is starting to come alive and grow, we managed to get a whole new driveway, we cut down the obnoxious trees that have been growing, the willow was given a haircut, we cleaned up the rosebushes, and the boys did a ton of taking junk to the junkyard! I cannot express how grateful I am to Rachel and Matt! They are seriously the best friends ever and I am so happy that we have them! Rachel has been my best friend since we were Sophomore's in high school (even though she hated me in jr. high! tee hee) and we have been hanging out with Matt for almost a year now, and we love him tons! We really couldn't have asked for better friends, they come over every night and Liam recognizes them almost as much as he knows us. Rachel is such a good auntie to him and I am grateful that my best friend lives five minutes away so Jon and I can occasionally go on a date to have time for ourselves.
We also recently celebrated Matt's birthday! Rachel and Matt came over and I made chicken enchilada's for his birthday dinner (who would have thought that I would be the cook of the group?!) and the night before I had made my frog eye salad, so it was a really yummy dinner! Afterwards we watched tv and just relaxed.
We also finished our latest show watching binge! Jon and I go on tv crazes... We have successfully watched every single episode of: Bones, How I Met Your Mother, Person of Interest, Big Bang Theory, Pawn Stars, Storage Wars, and now we have finished House. We started watching House while I was in the final stages of my pregnancy, when I was in the hospital for four days in labor and recovery, and we just finished it last week. We are having some serious House withdrawals but we have started a new series: Lie to Me. We aren't too sure about it yet, but it looks somewhat promising. We will see though.


Some funny things that Liam has done lately!

• Liam was on tummy time and he was happy for a bit and then he became very upset. He was crying and screaming and just not a happy camper. So I picked him up and tried to console him and he would not have it. I was getting really confused because of how angry he was! And then he let rip the biggest toot and had an explosive poopy! And then as soon as he was done he had the most contented, happy face and was all better! 

• After the explosive poop, I took him to change him, and I ran out of wipes, so I turned to grab some from the closet and all of a sudden he was crying! Like the "I'm in pain" type of cry, so I hurried back over to him and couldn't see what was wrong. Well, I looked at his hand and he had managed to put his hand up to his hair and he had grabbed a handful of hair and was then pulling it. So I pried his hand open and away from his head and he went back to being fine.

There are so many but I can't remember them all. He is growing so fast and I can't believe that I had him a whole month ago! He is getting stronger every day and our love for him is just exploding. With every new little thing he does I just am amazed by how blessed Jon and I are to have him in our lives! 

Family Photo's!

We got our first family photo's taken today!! And it was SOO exciting! We went and got the most adorable photo's taken of our little baby, and of us.
When I was born my mother took one look at my hands and said that I would play the piano and the flute. And now, 22 years later I play many instruments-including the flute and piano. And when Liam was born I took a look at his hands and noticed that he had the same hands as me, long slender fingers. And I said that he was going to play the piano and-I hope- the violin. So today, for pictures we took the violin that was my grandfathers-the same grandfather that Liam is named after- and used it for pictures. It was very sweet to see him with the prized possession of such a good man.
Liam was such a good little model for the photographers, and he took such good photo's. I'm excited to get the prints in a couple of weeks, because ever since we moved into our house I've kept this one wall completely empty because I wanted to put up pictures of Liam after he was born, and so now that he has been born I am ready to decorate that particular wall!! EEK!! So excited!!

Liam Andrew Mosher!

Liam with Andrew Hannah's violin

Our cute family!!

Yeah, I seriously have the cutest family ever! I love my boys so much! I can't believe that my baby boy was born almost three weeks ago! Everything in our lives is about Liam now, and I love that! It is so rewarding to have such a big purpose in your life. And I know that Jon and I would give up anything for our little boy because he is the most important person in our life. We've already given up something that is really important to avoid contention, something that I believe we shouldn't have had to. And frankly I'm still upset about it, I'm trying to get over it, but it really has been hard to know that something so trivial was much more important than something so special. But now it's up to me to just get over it. There are very few things that have happened in my life that I have held grudges over, and most of them I really have gotten over, it just takes time. And this will take time but for now I'm still very hurt. Liam is such a special part of our lives and we will always do what we have to to make sure that he is happy and well taken care of.

Liam's Birth Story/Coming Home!

Well, I haven't blogged for such a long time! I guess I was waiting for something amazing to happen, and lo and behold the most amazing thing has happened. I had my baby!

Liam Andrew Mosher was born July 3 after me being in labour for almost 38 hours. Here is his birth story!

Monday morning Jon and I went to the Hospital for me to be induced. They started my Pitocen at 9 am and then Jon and I waited and waited and waited some more. At 1:30 pm, Dr. Hall came to the hospital and broke my water- nastiest feeling ever by the way!!!! After the breaking of the water Jon and I continued to wait and wait and wait, but to no avail. Finally nighttime had fallen and the hospital decided to stop my Pitocen for the night. I was given a sleeping pill at about 2 am Tuesday morning and fell asleep. At 6 am, they came in and checked my vitals and started up my Pitocen again. Then after 27 hours of labour they came in and talked to me about because I'd been in labour for so long but wasn't dilating fast enough for them I should get an epidural because then I would be able to relax through the contractions and if I had to get a C-Section I would have to get the epidural anyway. So after a discussion with Jon, we decided for me to get the epidural, much to my disappointment, because I'd wanted to do it unmedicated. Then they came in and gave me my epidural and I finally started dilating at a pace that they wanted- which still wasn't very fast... In between this and about 10 pm. I got a fever, so because my water had been broken so long and I hadn't dilated far enough yet, there was risk for infection for our precious baby. So I was put on antibiotics and then my fever soon went away. Finally at 10 pm they told me that I was dilated far enough to be ready to push soon but that the baby was still farther up than they wanted, so every time my body felt the urge to push, I would push just a little bit in hopes that it would help him down. Then at 10:30 Dr. Hall had gotten to the hospital and I had three practice pushes and then it was time to push for real. I got to about 9 pushes and Dr. Hall had to cut the cord from around Liam's neck before he was even out. Then three more pushes and Liam came out, but he wasn't breathing due to the cord being wrapped around his neck so tight. The nurses called the code and then all of a sudden there was about 11 or 12 people in the room all having a job to do on Liam. It took three minutes of chest compressions for him to start breathing and finally after what seemed like forever my baby gave out a little cry. He was then taken to the NICU for observations and Jon had followed him to see what they were doing to him. And my mother stayed with me while I finished up with the placenta delivery.
The next little bit is kind of a blur for me because I don't remember hardly any of it. I remember bits and pieces but most of everything is from what I've heard from Jon and my mum. I remember Jon coming in and saying that they wanted me to go to the NICU so that I could feed Liam. I remember sitting up on the side of the bed and then I remember throwing up, and then being laid back down. Then my next real coherent memory is being on a gurney being wheeled into the NICU to see my baby. Apparently in between this time, I had blacked out and was drifting in and out of consciousness. And they had tried to get me up another time and I had made it to the wheelchair but then my mother said I went completely white and that she had to catch me before I fell out of the chair, and that I couldn't even hold my head up. Then Jon had come back in and called for help and another nurse had come in and put alcohol swabs in front of my nose to revive me, and then they put me on my bed again.
Then we were in the NICU and I was able to hold my baby, he was perfect. He had Jon's chin and face and he had my hair colour. I just couldn't believe that Jon and I had created this perfect little body for one of God's children. After I had some time with my baby I was taken to my recovery room and I was given a little box lunch that after almost three days of not eating I more than happily chowed down. Then on Thursday we had gone to the NICU and they told us that Liam would not be discharged with me because they wanted to observe him a bit longer after his rocky start. I was devastated. I went to my room and just cried and cried and cried. After awhile a social worker came in and talked to me about how this really was a horrible thing but that it really was for the best. Then they offered to let me board at the hospital so that I could be close to my baby. She started looking for a room that I could board in and left me alone to think over the decision. I went to the NICU and changed him and fed him and was just snuggling with him and I prayed that I would know what the right decision was when it came to this. I had just finished my prayer, when I overheard the mother in the next little bit over whose baby was in an incubator mention that her daughter was five months old that day. That was the answer to my prayer. I knew that my baby wasn't as sick as that little child, and I knew that if that mother could be strong enough to leave her baby there day after day for five months I could leave my baby there for a couple of days. It was a very hard night for me to leave the hospital without my baby. It came time for me to be discharged and we got all of Jon's and my things and they got me a wheelchair and we were on our way down to leave. Jon and I stopped at the NICU to say our goodbye to Liam, and then we went downstairs and then got in the car and went home. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. It is a horrible feeling leaving the hospital after carrying your child for nine months and then not be able to bring him home with you.
We went to my parents house first so that I could soak in their big tub for a bit, and so mum made me some food and I just soaked in the tub. Because of all of the saline that they had in me for two days I was pretty bloated, my ankles were non-existent and my legs were huge! Even my arms and hands and fingers were swollen. I felt humongous, but I got in the tub and soaked for a bit and then I took a shower and managed to wash my hair, then after all was said and done Jon drove us home to our house. And we laid down and went to sleep. I woke up earlier the next day and when the realization hit of everything that had happened I just cried and cried. Since Jon had gotten less sleep than I, I called my mother to come pick me up to go to the hospital and I let Jon sleep and I went up there by myself. He met me up there a bit later and then we got lunch and stayed until it was time for shift change then we went home for the two hours.
Saturday came and we were able to bring home our baby!! We brought him home and immediately he pooped all over his coming home outfit, so we changed his diaper and then changed his outfit. We had changed him, fed him and burped him and that was usually when we would put him back in his little bassinet in the hospital and go back to our room, and so I laid him down in his crib and then went out to the living room to sit with Jon; I then realized that he was home and we were no longer in the NICU, and so I went and picked up my baby and took him back out to the living room and just snuggled with him. It's a pretty awesome thing to snuggle with your baby.
Liam is such a good little baby, he's pretty content unless he's hungry, then he gets a bit fussy. He sleeps through the night- yes you read right! He sleeps from midnight to about six every night. He is a very good eater, whenever it's time to eat he will eat a ton, and he loves to be snuggled with. Jon and I are very glad that Heavenly Father trusts us enough to send us such a precious baby. We weren't planning on having a baby for awhile, but He obviously had other plans. And honestly, now that Liam is here we wouldn't have it any other way. There is such a feeling of completeness to our little family now, it's strange to say but Liam fills a hole in our lives that we didn't even know was there until he filled it. And as scary as it is to be a mommy, I am so thrilled to have the opportunity. It will definitely take some learning and teaching and I really am scared to death but I am so excited. And to see Jon with our baby is probably one of the most attractive sights EVER!! We figure it's evolutions way of making us want more babies. And we will, a couple of years down the road.

Ticking Time Bomb!

Ok, so I have not blogged for a freakishly long time. So I probably should blog a little bit before the baby comes.
I am 39 weeks pregnant with my due date being next Wednesday! Hopefully he comes before his due date, especially considering that some girls who are due after me have already had their babies. It's like the whole how people who were finding out the sex of their child who weren't due til way after me thing. Yeah... super annoying, more of just frustration though. Liam is getting super cramped up in my belly and I am sure that the uncomfortableness is not just on my part.

I personally feel like I am some sort of ticking time bomb. Every ache, pain, twinge, stab, pressure makes me wonder if this is the real deal and if it's time yet. For about a week I would wake up at about two in the morning and have steady, consistent contractions for about an hour and then as soon as I was about to wake up Jon to take me to the hospital they would subside. It was as though the child in my belly was taunting me with it. I can already sense part of Jon in him which is totally crazy but so true.

With the end of this pregnancy being so close there are some things that I am excited for and then there are some things that I am terrified for.

•  I am NOT scared for the labor and delivery of my baby, I have chosen to forgo having an epidural. I don't want to not have control over my body, and with the epidural it makes everything waist down entirely numb, and I do not want to have that feeling. I am ok with other ways to ease the pain, but I really do not want an epidural.

•  I AM scared for recovery, and not necessarily the recovery of my body, but I'm more concerned with the recovery of my mind. So many women get post partum depression and that is one thing that I am terrified more than anything for. When I first got on birth control I was using the pill. I took it religiously every day, but it messed with my hormones and my mind. After about a month of using it I was not myself, I was angry and was so easily offended, I would cry at the drop of a hat, Jon and I had constant bickers, and eventually the pill made me so self conscious. I would wait for Jon to go to sleep and then I would just cry and cry because I just had no self esteem anymore. I felt completely hopeless and I felt like I wasn't worth anything to anybody, and one night Jon woke up in the middle of me crying and he made me promise that I wouldn't take my next dose of birth control. Within the next couple days I felt so much better and I wasn't so depressed as my hormones leveled out and made me not feel totally worthless. That is what I'm afraid of. I have never been a depressed person, I've always known that I was worth something and I have never once thought that things would be better if I weren't around, and to have those feelings was the worst thing ever; I never want to feel like that again. So even though it might not happen, just the fact that postpartum depression COULD happen is what makes me scared.

• I am NOT scared to be a mom because I know that instincts will kick in and that I have so many people around me who have been in this situation who will be more than willing to help me out.

• I AM scared that people will completely go against what I want and do what they want and what they think should happen to my baby. I am more scared for them in this situation. This is Jon's and my child and I will not sit around and be talked down to because we have chosen a different way of raising him than they would have or have done.

I'm also nervous to have people come to my house... I know that it will be really nice to have them come and help me out, but I don't want people coming over just to hold the baby and have me feel like I need to entertain them somehow. If they are going to help- great, then I will have no problem having them hold my baby, but if they are just coming over to hold him then I'm not going to be happy. Also, I'm scared to have people come over and then not know when to leave. It's much easier going to see people because then you can go super easily, but it's not so easy getting people to leave your own home. Jon and I had even discussed not allowing visitors for the first couple days when I get home because we want to have time to bond with our baby and come up with our own little schedule. And if people are coming in and out and holding him and wanted to change him and stuff he's gonna get confused, I have NO problem whatsoever with people holding him and getting to know him, but I really want to have a chance to bond with my baby on my own without people interfering. This is a big change for us, and I want to be able to transition as smoothly as we can into it.

With all of this being said, I am really excited to bring this new life into this world. It still amazes me whenever I look at my belly and I can see him moving, to think that Jon and I made this little creature and that he is going to be ours to love forever. Jon is going to make a FANTASTIC father, we've talked about all the things that they are going to do together, and our son is so lucky because he has a best friend without even having to search for one. Jon is so excited to do all the cool father-son things, and I am excited to watch them together and watch them grow. I can just imagine all of the scrapbook pages I'll be able to make with my two boys. I feel so young, probably because I am, but I think about how fast time goes. It seems like only yesterday that I was a little girl playing in my room with my barbies.

Well, the next post will most likely be after the baby is born. So keep checking up on that cause I'll probably put pictures up.... if I'm not too lazy or tired.